June 27, 2004 -- Stew has a bad day

Sometimes it’s worse to get better. When you’re at the bottom of the pit it’s comforting knowing that it can’t get much worse. But as soon as you try to struggle to get yourself up, there’s that chance of backsliding and winding back down at the bottom. At then you have to look at yourself and say, “See, what you get for putting effort into it. You’re back where you started and you expended all that energy. Why not just save the energy and stay here at the bottom, where it’s miserable but at least nobody is trying to fling you back down here.”

Often times it just doesn’t seem worth it. I’m going to die a cold lonely death anyway, so I might as well get it out of the way. I might as well get it out of the way for the people around me. Let them mourn for me now and get it out of their system so they can have the rest of their life to be productive without me causing any type of interference. There’s very little positive that my life gives to anybody around me. After a few months of me being gone, people will be back to normal with less worry and with less burden.

That’s all my life is… it’s a burden… to those around me and to myself. I didn’t ask for this life. I don’t want it. Give it to somebody who can be more productive with it. I can’t.

I’m sick and tired of the headaches, of the vision problems, of the fatigue. I’m sick and tired of feeling like I’m a drain on people, a helpless wraith who sucks energy from others. I’m sick of taking one step forward, only to take two steps back.

I should have offed myself 2 years ago, when I still had a life insurance policy in place… at least that way Monique could have gotten something.

Maybe I should sneak into ******* to off myself. That would be fitting.

Or maybe I’ll just slip away quietly. Just disappear into the vastness of nothingness. My death being the culmination of my life – of simple nothingness.

Or maybe I’ll just order a cheese pizza for breakfast.

Stew