Listen . . . May 15, 2003 (Stew)
Listen. Can’t you hear that? Why is it that I’m the only one who can hear it? It’s as clear as a bell in my head – literally hundreds of voices all talking and clamoring for attention. Sometimes it all just blends together into a mindless “whir” of white noise. When it’s like that, it’s not so troubling; it’s times like right now, when I can hear individual voices that it bothers me. I think that's maybe why I sometimes recite the same song lyric over and over again – to drown out the other noises. Right now I have Toby Keith’s “Angry American” going over and over again.
But, you know, the repetition of songs has always been there. I would always get a tune stuck in my head and it would last in there for weeks on end. I remember having some of the Bible school songs as far back as 3rd or 4th grade going on in my head. I’d have to think about it more to remember if I heard the voices as long ago as that. If I had to guess, I’d say yes. I remember feeling like I had voices and noise and clutter in my head for most of high school, and even junior high.
The voices don’t say much…yet it’s enough to drive me crazy. Mostly it’s highly critical stuff, and it’s different voices. I hear mom, dad, Dr. Hansen, Dr. Geiger, Nick, Jake, Monique. Sometimes I hear voices from past teachers; sometimes I hear society’s collective voice. Even other times I hear what I believe to be God and Satan. Satan’s voice is eerily similar to my own. God’s voice is eerily similar to my own, too.
The voices were talking in the shower just now. They were saying how I should be writing, but there was another voice telling me how crappy of a writer I am, and that I shouldn’t even try. Another voice said I should just sit down and read the Bible. Often times when I feel like I’m supposed to read the Bible, and don’t I feel guilty. I’m reading Numbers right now… pretty interesting stuff…how each of the twelve tribes of Israel were to take a census of themselves.
Anyway, the voice that told me to write, well there were actually a number of them, won out tonight. I’m sitting here writing this…this dreck.
But, you know, the repetition of songs has always been there. I would always get a tune stuck in my head and it would last in there for weeks on end. I remember having some of the Bible school songs as far back as 3rd or 4th grade going on in my head. I’d have to think about it more to remember if I heard the voices as long ago as that. If I had to guess, I’d say yes. I remember feeling like I had voices and noise and clutter in my head for most of high school, and even junior high.
The voices don’t say much…yet it’s enough to drive me crazy. Mostly it’s highly critical stuff, and it’s different voices. I hear mom, dad, Dr. Hansen, Dr. Geiger, Nick, Jake, Monique. Sometimes I hear voices from past teachers; sometimes I hear society’s collective voice. Even other times I hear what I believe to be God and Satan. Satan’s voice is eerily similar to my own. God’s voice is eerily similar to my own, too.
The voices were talking in the shower just now. They were saying how I should be writing, but there was another voice telling me how crappy of a writer I am, and that I shouldn’t even try. Another voice said I should just sit down and read the Bible. Often times when I feel like I’m supposed to read the Bible, and don’t I feel guilty. I’m reading Numbers right now… pretty interesting stuff…how each of the twelve tribes of Israel were to take a census of themselves.
Anyway, the voice that told me to write, well there were actually a number of them, won out tonight. I’m sitting here writing this…this dreck.
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