Listen . . . May 18, 2003 (Stew)
“Write about what you feel,” people have told me for the past couple of years. Who cares what I feel? I don’t feel anything most days. It’s just sort of this numbness that feels as if it will last forever. Like being awake after being given anesthesia, the body and mind are numbed to any real stimuli, but the body can still move and function. And the mind wants to function…it really does, but it’s like it’s stuck in neutral.
Can you imagine a worse fate? Having a mind that is completely stuck in neutral for eternity, but having a body that could function if the mind would tell it to? And then knowing that your mind is going to be forever stuck. Sometimes being self-aware is a painful proposition.
Right now I’m staring at the keyboard, wondering what my next thought should be, and it occurred to me there is no next thought. And that’s the frustrating thing, knowing that there is no next thought. Sometimes I just realize that I’m thinking about nothing, so I ponder that. Is there a bigger waste of time then pondering your own sense of thinking about nothing? Yet, if I didn’t ponder that, then I literally wouldn’t be thinking of anything.
I thought a lot about cutting today. The only reason why I didn’t do any is because I spent most of the day playing baseball on the computer, or some other distraction. I even looked at the knife briefly, and realized I was going to have to wash it, and burn it first before I did any cutting – it was last used to chop up a frozen pizza – can’t go around getting pepperoni jizz in my wounds.
Sometimes I think it’s weird that I don’t have any piercings or tattoos. With as much as I like cutting or scratching myself, you’d think that I’d have a number of ‘em. I think branding might be something that would be kind of cool. I’ve been thinking about getting a cigar, enjoying it, and then snuffing it out on my arm…I’m wondering how that would feel.
But branding seems like it would be an easy type of pain. It’s over quickly. It seems like it would be done before the pain even registered. I wonder what kind of brand I should get? Something classy, not like K-Mart or Target brand. The Pepsi logo would be appropriate. Yeah, the Pepsi logo on my right bicep. That sounds like a good idea.
Also, is there much risk of infection with branding or burning? It’s hot metal, wouldn’t the heat kill the germs? Rub on a little anti-bacterial ointment afterwards, and then a few days of Noxzema to soothe the burn, and it’d be good as new, wouldn’t it?
I don’t even feel guilty for thinking about this right now. I’m a little scared that I might actually try it, but really don’t I deserve it? Don’t I deserve the pain I inflict on myself? I mean, I’m quite the sinner, and sins deserve to be punished, so isn’t it better that I punish myself to get it done and over with? What’s the point in waiting for something to come down and strike me? Why don’t I just strike my self? It saves time and energy for everybody else who should be doing it. And since I wronged them in the first place, I might as well save them the time and money, right?
I just took my nightly pills. One lithium, one geodon, one trazadone – three little pills to make sure I don’t go schizo in the morning. It’s a bummer when I don’t take those nightly pills. I end up not sleeping very well, and I’ll wake up in a downer mood with a greater likelihood of having some type of psychotic break during the day. Taking all of these medications is kind of like playing craps or roulette at the casino. It’s not that anything I’m taking is going to cure anything, it’s more like having something severe happening less frequently. The Zoloft I take in the morning doesn’t mean that I’m not going to be depressed during the day, it just decreases the likelihood that I’ll slip into a major depressive episode. And for this run of luck, I pay $400 a month. Is that a good gamble? Would I be better off putting $400 on black 13? If it came up I’d be $14,000 richer. That would pay for a couple of years worth of meds AND therapy.
Can you imagine a worse fate? Having a mind that is completely stuck in neutral for eternity, but having a body that could function if the mind would tell it to? And then knowing that your mind is going to be forever stuck. Sometimes being self-aware is a painful proposition.
Right now I’m staring at the keyboard, wondering what my next thought should be, and it occurred to me there is no next thought. And that’s the frustrating thing, knowing that there is no next thought. Sometimes I just realize that I’m thinking about nothing, so I ponder that. Is there a bigger waste of time then pondering your own sense of thinking about nothing? Yet, if I didn’t ponder that, then I literally wouldn’t be thinking of anything.
I thought a lot about cutting today. The only reason why I didn’t do any is because I spent most of the day playing baseball on the computer, or some other distraction. I even looked at the knife briefly, and realized I was going to have to wash it, and burn it first before I did any cutting – it was last used to chop up a frozen pizza – can’t go around getting pepperoni jizz in my wounds.
Sometimes I think it’s weird that I don’t have any piercings or tattoos. With as much as I like cutting or scratching myself, you’d think that I’d have a number of ‘em. I think branding might be something that would be kind of cool. I’ve been thinking about getting a cigar, enjoying it, and then snuffing it out on my arm…I’m wondering how that would feel.
But branding seems like it would be an easy type of pain. It’s over quickly. It seems like it would be done before the pain even registered. I wonder what kind of brand I should get? Something classy, not like K-Mart or Target brand. The Pepsi logo would be appropriate. Yeah, the Pepsi logo on my right bicep. That sounds like a good idea.
Also, is there much risk of infection with branding or burning? It’s hot metal, wouldn’t the heat kill the germs? Rub on a little anti-bacterial ointment afterwards, and then a few days of Noxzema to soothe the burn, and it’d be good as new, wouldn’t it?
I don’t even feel guilty for thinking about this right now. I’m a little scared that I might actually try it, but really don’t I deserve it? Don’t I deserve the pain I inflict on myself? I mean, I’m quite the sinner, and sins deserve to be punished, so isn’t it better that I punish myself to get it done and over with? What’s the point in waiting for something to come down and strike me? Why don’t I just strike my self? It saves time and energy for everybody else who should be doing it. And since I wronged them in the first place, I might as well save them the time and money, right?
I just took my nightly pills. One lithium, one geodon, one trazadone – three little pills to make sure I don’t go schizo in the morning. It’s a bummer when I don’t take those nightly pills. I end up not sleeping very well, and I’ll wake up in a downer mood with a greater likelihood of having some type of psychotic break during the day. Taking all of these medications is kind of like playing craps or roulette at the casino. It’s not that anything I’m taking is going to cure anything, it’s more like having something severe happening less frequently. The Zoloft I take in the morning doesn’t mean that I’m not going to be depressed during the day, it just decreases the likelihood that I’ll slip into a major depressive episode. And for this run of luck, I pay $400 a month. Is that a good gamble? Would I be better off putting $400 on black 13? If it came up I’d be $14,000 richer. That would pay for a couple of years worth of meds AND therapy.
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